What Hoochie Are You?

A ‘hoochie’, as according to Urban Dictionary, means: “A woman who is promiscuous or a slut. To be a true hoochie, a woman must be labelled by a collection of other jealous females.” We at B*I*T*C*H*£*S felt that definition is a little bit 1999.

There is nothing wrong with a woman who is in charge of her sexuality, but when it is for the male gratification and is self-damaging is what we are concerned about. But be warned, there are varying degrees of hoochieness make sure you are none of the below.

If the only high-hill shoes you own are creps and you have been arrested at least 500 times. Where no grown man will look at you straight in the eye, just in case you  might socket punch them…

Then you are a ghetto hoochie. You are a loud-mouth, who will-put-six-in-your-gut and run and has a swagger to rival Lil Wayne. People often confuse you for a boy right? But chica, what is with all the violence, takes the advice of Pepé Le Pew, be a lover not a fighter.

You go out to every rave and every song is your favourite. You would feel like a nun if your cleavage is not on show and if you are not shaking that ass, then what is the point of going out…

Then you my friend, are a club hoochie. When the last time you handed in any work, better yet even turned up for a lesson. But you can for sure tell me last night was off-the-hook. You need to rest that little booty-shaking-ass of yours and set your priorities straight. It is not a good look when the, bouncers, bar staff and djs know your surname name and house address.

If you have kids with ten different baby daddies, every man on road has your number and you lost your virginity at fourteen…

I am sorry love, but you are a hoochie mama. This is the highest form of hoochie there is. The bones in your knees must be have aged to that of a ninety-year-old-woman, why, because you are always on them.  Stop letting these road rat use you for sexual favours, because they are only nice to your face. Trust, you do not want to hear what they say about you behind your back.

You constantly hang out at clubs like Mo*Vida in a bid to snag yourself a footballer. Your ultimate dream is to be a WAG because any other man is just not cutting the grade…

You my friend are a Gold-digging-hoochie. You exclusively wear genuine-fake Chanel in the vain that you will attract yourself the right-kind-of-guy to buy you all the things you dream about. Your aim is to get yourself pregnant, just in case he may try to leave you. Whatever happened to sisters doing it for themselves? Annie Lennox and Aretha Franklin would probably slap you silly.